Dream and reality

Another downhill landed on my life, and I had to accept it anyway....

16th November 2010, happy events for those with flying colours, bad news for those failed , as well those did not achieved their expectations............. this is norm of life.

The printed paper again "killed" me, hurting my feeling, and I m asking myself, what had i done wrong? What am I lacking of?

Why am I always did not get the things I worked hard for? Are those stupid efforts that I gave?

Obviously no one can answer me that, and I had to face the reality that truths always be cruel, depending on how do u perceive it?

When people are happy and excited with their achievements, I was like surrounded by dark clouds, things around me never gain my attention, I was felt like having my heart stopped.

I had put lots of efforts on my studies, and yet things I wanted never get better....

I was lacking study companion, which is essential for me, until now I still cannot adapt to a life without companion, iIexpecting discussions, sharing of thoughts and ideas to help enhance my understanding, obviously it was still only be real inside my dreams, but not after I woke up.

I expecting peer talk to share my feelings, too many things i had kept inside my heart, "they" kept on accumulating and never be disclosed.......seriously I was uncomfortable with it....

Worries kept haunting me recently, causing me felt not motivated to study, I m losing my passion, and my attempt to trace them (motivation and passion) still ongoing, seeing people's happinesses on social network posts continued to be updated, while my condition deteriorating truly sadden me...............their posts, comments and photos, not because of jealously, is kinda of feeling myself so unlucky.

I just wan to be happy, but it seems to be so difficult....Sometimes I felt that those are just fantasies for me, only felt in dream, but not in reality...now I realise how distinct reality and dream are.....

Uphill and downhill (More down than up)

During childhood, we all live in peace with no worries, even it still remains until school level, while we just bother about studying....

Coming up to university level really made a drastic change to myself, the difference is that sometimes it is hardly to expect everything to be as same as ur past schoolhood life.

Seriously it is true, but not every time also.

My 1st year seriously not really well for me, because i was too miserable and directless during that time. The feeling was further exaggerated by my disappointment by our Malaysia's so called apek university rejection.

However soon and later by adapting to block system in my academic studies, I began to gain confidence and ever come across my mind to grab even a little chance to help representing my faculty for a reputable competition. Having said so, it means that I never get the chance, and I understood its due to my poor performance in my exams and thats is my own fault......

In accordance to my previous blog named "Life never get smooth", I mentioned that I will try my best to retain my pride over whatever I lost, but now I would like to disclose my fate towards my intention..

I failed to retain it........................

I didn't achieve my expectation, maybe it tries to tell me that I can never go lucky like what I always experienced last time.

Through looking at the printed paper on 27 September ago, I realized about it, even though I always with a positive mind...

This is my fate due to struggling without a study companion, because I hardly study alone,as my philosophy of learning based on "Sharing is caring", but if there is no one to share, there is no point of caring....

And I can't do anything about it.......

Life never go smooth

It had been a long time i didn't update my blogs.

Seriously the 1st half of this yr i was busy, initially with faculty chinese new year celebration as well as diabolo practice, while also facing numerous tedious exams in the latter half of 1st yr.

And now I m in 2nd yr now, being grateful for successfully passed my end of year 1 exam, even though my performance is not satisfying.

Similarly during the time from end of year exam preparation I face numerous dilemmas and kept bothering me. Seriously I regained my passion back during block 5 exam as well as someone's word that stimulates me. "We from Siew Bee gang must at least has a representative for it .....Quoted from someone among Siew Bee gang, May 2010"

Therefore I strive my best to fight for it,and the efforts were kept being added all the while.

And then a day before I went back to my hometown for end of year holiday, I was stunted with a shocking new.s....

Alright then I went back home and never forget to continue my efforts. Along the way I realised that the contents are not easy to understand (as I had yet to learn those which supposed to be covered in year 2) but I never give up on it.

On 7th of June new block in yr 2 starts, and the news (or consider rumour that time) was confirmed to be true. My dream gone.......seriously I was quite disappointed.

We live in a country with democracy but seriously do we really apply the principle in all matters?

Think urself, stones were just picked without being filtered or screened. who knows that there are other normal stones that just needed to be brushed up to turn into gems (or said as hidden talent).........but the collector doesn't care about it....just trust on his naked eyes.

And this made me myself felt down and upset.I realised that I never shine during my yr 1 but seriously I tried my best to push myself harder.

Actually the matter is the policy of selection.....

I will not regret if I was being thrown away as "ugly" stone if I do not turn into gem after being screened, but the thing is I was not even given a single chances.............thats turn myself down for long time, It reminded me of scenario of our well-known apex university that also reject my application without allowing me into interview, which causing a "trauma" to my life (something like u were sentenced to death without given a single chance to defend on court)

I wish the previous collector will be the one having the authority for selection, which I believe she will be fair enough to everyone of us, unlike the current collector.....unfortunately she had left my faculty, which I can foresee a heavy loss for future generation, including my batch as well.

Therefore I tried myself to put best effort ever during block 6 in yr 2 and just finished the exam, seriously again my performance never achieved my expectation. But things happen cannot be undone.........

But I will keep strong and will not fall down just because of this matter, even though I always recalled it and the pain was felt inside my heart......

I shall arise and work towards brushing myself as a shining stone one day and I believe I can. Since there is no more chance for my dream, I will just continue my studies.To be successfully pass all my exams and graduate in 5 yrs is my current aim now.

Even though I face the great challenge in yr 2 which is lacking of teaching staffs in one of the vital disciplines, I will consider this as my new challenge. Human grows by facing challenges and I believe I will gain more after I had gone through it successfully.

No one can predict what happen next but at least I can do something myself to ensure there is always a better tomorrow for me.

I will continue to practice my usual principle that is "Sharing is caring". I enjoy adopting to the principle. Indeed I felt happy to share with people, of course you can never expect some others in return, because most of the times I always ended up with disappointment..............

Probably thats how my medical life goes on......... which never come to my expectation.

But I m no longer the same as when I was in yr 1........and I believe I can make a difference to my future medical life.....................

With regards, Magnum

Chinese New Year 2010

I find chinese new year 2010 was quite interesting compared to previous years

I had been returned to my hometown Kota Bharu......BRI (Kelantanese will know wat is it mean)

and met with a few of my old classmates and friends.

I ate Thai style tomyam fish in Wakaf Bharu , around 30 minutes car distance from Kota Bharu and really spicy , sour and exotic. Wow. Irresistable

Of course I met with some of my old friends , but most of them had been pursuing their studies abroad. So meaning to say not all old friends that I could met.

Its alright , I glad I did enjoyed Nasi Kerabu (or Kelantanese call Khaw Jam or "Cow Jump") which always lure me because it really taste nice.

For those non Kelantanese , u all must really try it out , but maybe the taste of budu may not sound nice to u. Anyway better give a try.

Later I was back to Alor Star for my relatives' visit and quite enjoyed my day.

Just felt sad that my holiday was around 1 week and time flies away very faster.

Soon and later I had to come back to Kuching and begin my journey again.